F-

I recently bought a book on the Jack Ruby, trial. As an aficionado of the Kennedy assassination, I wanted to learn more about what happened with Jack Ruby after he shot Oswald.

This was the book that was co-written by Dan Abrams.

Sadly, the book was a dog.

It was (and still is) a tedious, melatonin analogue, a bland play by play account of what happened at the Jack Ruby’s trial.

Suffice it to say that if Melvin Belli, Jack Ruby’s lawyer, cut a fart, Dan Abrams lets us know.

I was bored shitless, so I gave the book to the Salvation Army before finishing it.

Despite my belief that Dan Abrams didn’t learn anything at law school, (he graduated from Columbia University, a.k.a Karl Marx University) I certainly believe he’s capable of writing better than this.

Or maybe he isn’t, which is why I was talking out loud about what advice I would give him as to how he should have written the book.

So, here is what I was thinking out loud:

“Instead of a play-by-play account, Dan, you should’ve given us a good summary of the trial and the strategy that Melvin Bella employed.

You could’ve spent a couple of chapters on Melvin, Belli, himself, and how he became who he became.

You could’ve written extensively on the insanity defense and its evolution in American jurisprudence.

You could’ve spent chapters on some of the other defense lawyers that Jack Ruby retained.

Let’s not forget Henry Wade, the prosecutor, whose convictions decades later are being overturned faster than Jack Ruby could throw somebody down a flight of stairs.

How about some time spent on unique insights into the law?

You could’ve written more than a few blurbs on Jack Ruby himself and his upbringing in Chicago.

And then you could have written several chapters analyzing Jack Ruby and his involvement in the Kennedy assassination. Was he acting in an insane manner prior to 11/22/63?

How about some funny stories about Jack Ruby? There are plenty of those in the Warren Commission report alone had you cared to read any of it.

Here’s one: Ralph Paul, probably his closest friend relayed a story that Jack Ruby at the end of the day after closing the club would throw the cash receipts into the trunk of his car and leave them there when he went to bed. When the Warren Commission inquisitor was surprised and asked Ralph Paul if this could possibly be true (because most of us would take the cash out of the trunk for safekeeping), Ralph Paul said in so many words: Jack says that (if anybody tries to rob you) nobody looks in the trunk.

I thought that was pretty awesome.

But you didn’t give us any of that, Dan; you gave us a boring bland recitation of every single utterance in the trial.

How many times did you tell us that Melvin Belli was moving around the court room – as was as his custom – only to have Henry Wade implore the judge to ask Mr.Belli to sit back in his seat?

Who gives a fuck?

The only reason this book got published Dan, is because you are a member of the club. Your father was Floyd Abrams, and your cousin is Elliot Abrams. You attended a crummy Ivy League school, and you’ve been on national television.

If I had submitted this book, the book never would’ve seen the light of day.

Hence, Dan, you got by on your connections.

So here’s what I want you to do, Dan. This is your assignment. I want you to rewrite the book.

I want you to rewrite the book along the guidelines I have given you above.

And when you write the book, Dan, I want you to keep one word in mind as you write.

Compelling.

The book must be compelling.

The words must be compelling.

People want to get an erection when they read.

Readers need something that moves them.

You either have to be funny, provocative, or able to put a new twist on something old.

Ass, grass, or gas: Nobody rides for free.

That’s what we used to say in the 1960s.

You’ve got to bring something to the table.

I give you an F minus on your book, Dan, and I know you’re capable of producing writing much better than that.

So, go to it, lad.

Give me a book that makes Jack Ruby’s trial relevant to my life.

Make Jack Ruby essential to me.

Oh, and by the way, when you write the book, quit making references to Lee Oswald as if he actually did kill the President of the United States.

Don’t be a puppet for the Warren Commission.

Quit saying things like, “When Oswald was at the window …”

Or … “When Oswald lowered his rifle after firing the fatal shots …”

Yes, I made those quotes up, but there are similar ones in your book.

You graduated from law school, motherfucker. Act like you graduated from law school.

You know damn well that Lee Oswald never was tried in a court of law.

Try using the word allegedly.

I don’t think that’s asking too much of a law school graduate.

Sincerely,

Archer Crosley

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